Learning to Understand Women and Their Needs

Learning to Understand Women and Their Needs

What I find difficult to understand  woman is :

  • She spends hours getting ready to go out.
  • Moods—I don't know what causes them, but she seems to have a lot of different moods.
  • Spending large sums of money on jewelry.
  • Wanting new clothes or shoes every time we get invited to a wedding.
  • When she says "nothing's the matter," but you know something is wrong and you don't know what you've done.
  • When you plan to make love that night, then you have a disagreement over dinner and then it's all off in bed as well, even though she promised you through the day.
  • When you plan to make love that night, then you have a disagreement over dinner and then it's all off in bed as well, even though she promised you through the day.

Not all of these things will apply to the women with whom you have been in relationships, but some of them might.

How To Understand Women

You have probably wished many times that women could understand the way you think or that you could understand them better. Men and women are essentially very different. They think differently and often they see things differently. Men often say to me: "Sometimes I feel like I'm living with someone from another planet. My partner gets annoyed and I have no idea what I have said or done to upset her." Recent scientific research has shown that male and female brains operate in very different manners. Women differ from men physically and emotionally, and they see the world differently. Even though this is often a politically sensitive subject and there is much debate as to whether differences are due to biological or cultural conditioning, the fact is that understanding and appreciating the differences between women and men have assisted the hundreds of couples to whom we have introduced this concept. The popularity of John Gray's book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus attests to the fact that a lot of men and women don't fully understand each other and find it valuable to learn practical ways of appreciating these differences instead of resisting them.

In an excellent book, The Sex Contract: The Evolution of Human Behaviour, anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher points out that whether you have a creationist view of the world or an evolutionist view, all evidence supports the view that life today is a transformation of life from the past, that everything in the present is a rearrangement of things that existed in the beginning. So what was sex like in the beginning? At the primate level, the female attracted the male in order for him to copulate with her and, in effect, reproduce the human race. That basic programming is built into every species. It is one of our basic biological functions. Today we obviously don't behave like animals or basic primates, because we have been socialized and we have a choice about whether to have children or not. Nevertheless, in our culture, no matter what behavior is socially accepted, biological programming continues to affect our behavior Whenever a man sees an appealing woman walk by he is attracted. Watch a group of guys working on a building site. As an attractive woman walks past all work stops for a moment. Observe a guy working hard at his computer when a woman he finds attractive walks into the office. Suddenly everything is lost; for a second he cannot think. The sexual impulse deflects his attention and confuses his mind_ I am not saying he would necessarily act on his impulse or that he would even want to if he had the opportunity. Maybe he is already committed and he honors his relationship. Nevertheless, this instinct exists.

The sexual impulse may not only be coming from the man but also from the woman, who may exude sexual energy in a subtle way. In the animal kingdom, the female definitely sends out a scent of attraction while she is on heat. She attracts the male with her scent; they then mate and not too long after, he leaves (Some female spiders do not require the male at all after conception so they often eat the male after mating. I'm glad I'm not a spider!) Originally in the human species, it wasn't appropriate for the male to leave because it took many years before the offspring could fend for itself. He was needed to assist with protection and food. This is, of course, not necessarily the case today, but we did evolve from this. Unlike any other female organism on Earth, women are able to make love throughout their reproductive cycle. It's almost as if nature had wished human beings to make love daily. Biologically, the human female is capable of constant sexual arousal. No other species make love with such frequency. Women send out subtle energy or vibrations that men are drawn toward. It's been called the "scent of a woman"; whatever it is, it's very attractive. Females have a gift of nature to attract a male.

(Of course, many men spend lots of money on new clothes and at the hairdresser and plenty of time in front of the mirror preening themselves. It's a good thing that men can now openly tap into both their feminine and masculine sides without inhibition. However, when a man starts to become preoccupied with his own attractiveness and gives more attention to that than to noticing and acknowledging his partner's attractiveness, he is heading for trouble.) If you don't believe that feeling attractive is a big issue for women, then test it out by forgetting to comment when your partner buys some new clothes or goes to the hairdresser. Better still, tell her she wasted her money and the hairstyle doesn't suit her. Then watch what happens for the next few days.

Don't look at the differences between men and women as a problem. The key is to look at them as an opportunity.

When I bring flowers to my wife when I support her in buying what she needs when I help her shop for a dress when I tell her I love her again and again, even though she already knows it, I see her feminine beauty light up. Her joy empowers me and I feel good every time. You can choose to see the difference as an opportunity rather than as a problem, a possibility for you both to win and feel good in your relationship.


When a woman says, "Tell me you love me," avoid saying stupid things like, "You already know it, I married you and I'm still with you." That makes sense to you, and any guy would agree your partner should already know it. But that is not what a woman wants to hear. Remember, she is an alien; unlike you, she wants to hear again and again that you love her. Many women don't think of telling you that they would like more loving attention because they assume you know that already. They forget that your needs are often different. Instead of telling you what her needs are your partner will sometimes get upset and you won't know why! Next thing you are both in conflict, feeling disconnected, and you don't even know why. Tell her that you love her. Yes, again! Watch her reaction. Your partner needs to know that you are still attracted to her, that you still love her. I challenge you to exhaust the number of times you can tell her this. Don't only say it in words; say it in the way you touch her, with flowers, by phone during the day. Think of creative ways of letting her know you love her.

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