How we set our relationships and ourselves to fail?

Here is an old story about a man who didn’t believe in love. He went around the world sharing his wisdom to everyone who would care to listen: love does not exist. 

The Man Who Didn’t Believe in Love

Like most people, he tried getting into relationships he tried to look for love. But as time passed, the initial feeling of what he thought was love faded, only to be replaced by discontent, resentment, and fear. To him, love is nothing more than fiction that pets wrote, a make believe concept used to manipulate people. 

The man was very convincing in his arguments. He likened a relationship between two people to one of a drug addict and the pusher. One always has a larger need or craving for love the addict and depends heavily on the other for it. The pusher who provides love controls the relationship, and the amount of love he or she gives the others, manipulating the partner to do as he or she bids. 

This dynamic leads to the addict’s fear of losing those ‘dosages.’ As a result, possessiveness, jealousy, paranoia follows the fear. The provider recognizes the fear and uses it to manipulate; the addict will soon surrender and do whatever the pusher wants in fear of abandonment. 

Therefore, love is a relationship of fear, based on control. The illusion of the promises made to each other all the talk about being together forever, good times and bad, loving each other unconditionally dissipates as the relationship progresses into resentment, mistrust, and injustice. They start hurling their emotional poisons at each other, and they continue hurting one another but stay together for fear of being alone. The man was simply done with all that he will never let anyone use him.

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 But one day, he sees a woman crying in the park, and when he asks her why, she tells him it’s because love does not exist she thought she loved her husband, but even as she acted as devoted wife and mother, the image that he projected at work became more important to him and they started to resent and hurt each other. She stayed because of the children but with the kids all grown and gone, she no longer has a reason to. Even if she left him and found someone else, she knew it would end up the same because love simply does not exist. 

Delighted that the woman shared his views, they become the best of friends. They spend time together, talked to each other, respected each other’s views and opinions about everything, missed each other when one isn’t around the other eventually, the man began to wonder if it was love if love did exist, just not the way it was romanticized to be. 

He told his friend about it, and the woman agreed she had been thinking the same thing. They become lovers, and surprisingly, things didn’t change. They continued to be happy. One night, the man stood under the stars. He was so happy and content and filled with love, that one star came down and settled on his hands. Miraculously, his soul merged with the star. He couldn’t wait to gift his lover with it. 

But the second he handed her his star and his soul, she felt momentary doubt; it was too overwhelming, holding his star and his soul. It slipped from her fingers and shattered into a thousand pieces. 

What went wrong? 

The star represented his happiness. Once he put it in another person’s hands, he put the responsibility of making him happy to her. Happiness should never come from another person; he was happy because of his love for her and she was happy because of her love for him. If you depend on someone else for your happiness, sooner or later, he or she will break it like the star in this story. This is how we set our relationships and ourselves to fail.

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