You can't wiry if you don't play
There are millions of words of wisdom offered by experts on creating and developing a successful intimate relationship, but seven words stand above them all: You can't wiry if you don't play That is the bottom line of bottom lines, courtesy of the California State Lottery. If you stay in your solipsistic cave, you will never form a new relationship. You toast get out of the house and interact with new people. Approach anxiety is a name Sir the internal demon that keeps men from talking to attractive strangers when there are no external barriers. Before working on ways to convert approach anxiety into approach excitement, lets discuss two key concepts: the limiting mind and the freedom mind.
The Limiting Mind
When we are born, nature installs two major instinctual fears to keep us safe: a fear of heights and a fear of loud noises. Fear in moderation is a good thing. It protects us from harm. For example, a fear of heights protects us from falling off cliffs. A fear of loud noises enables us to react quickly to warnings of danger. However, most fears and limits we have are the result not of nature but of nurture. We place limits on ourselves as the result of negative experiences From our childhood and the influence of authority figures.
The Freedom Mind
The biological freedom mind gives us signals of hunger to eat, thirst to drink, and desire to procreate. In modem times, we also have cultural drives for power through career, enjoyment through play, and purpose through spiritual practice. When our limiting mind and freedom mind are in homeostatic balance, all is good. We live M harmony with the world, effectively solving problems as they arise. But when our freedom mind and limiting mind fall out of balance, all kinds of afflictions arise.
Identify Your Limiting Mind
Most of your limiting mind's beliefs were spoon-fed to you by your parents, guardians, teachers, clergy, peers or whomever you admired while growing up. While there is some value in tracing the sources of your own personal limiting mind, it's more important to understand its structure. The limiting mind tends to feed on itself in a downward spiral. Placing blame on others or on yourself for the material in your limiting mind only serves to strengthen it. It's best to forgive, forget, and move on. The first step on most roads to recovery is acceptance-admitting that there's a problem. The second step in overcoming the source of our anxiety is to bring it out of unconscious darkness and into the light of our conscious awareness. Only then can we begin to dismantle it, see how it works, and create procedures to nullify
The limiting mind may present hindering voices, images, or physical feelings when it's time to approach strangers and make their acquaintance. Let's identify the types of internal media it can use to intimidate you into aborting a social mission.
Voices of the limiting mind include:
- Self-doubt "You won't know what to say' or "Remember last time you messed up?"
- Other-oriented doubt: She probably has a boyfriend," "She wouldn't be interested in me," or "She's busy and I'd be interrupting her."
- Environmental doubt: "Everyone around will make fun of me" or Its too loud for her to hear me."
- Existential rationalization: "Why bother? It won't work out anyway," "I don't feel like it right now," or "I'm having too much fun with my friends."
- False judgments: "She isn't attractive enough" or She seems way too shallow for me."
Images of the limiting mind include getting ignored: being mocked or bullied; being sad and alone; being observed and judged; getting beaten up; being rejected; and seeing more qualified or successful men in the room. The limiting mind also expresses itself through physical sensations. When a potential threat registers on your radar, the acute stress response (also known as the fight-or-flight response) releases adrenaline into your system. This hormone increases your breathing and heart rate; constricts blood vessels; tenses muscles; dilates pupils; elevates your blood sugar level; and weakens your immune system.
Awaken Your Freedom Mind
To abolish approach anxiety, convince yourself logically that the dialogue of your limiting mind is incorrect and in fact self-sabotaging.
For example: if your limiting mind tells you, She won't hear you." your freedom mind should answer back, "If she doesn't hear me the first time. I'll smile and politely repeat myself more loudly, slowly, and clearly." If your limiting mind tells you that you're going to get nervous, your freedom mind can say, "I may have a natural stress reaction to this situation because, after all, it is somewhat stressful. But that doesn't mean I won't be able to push through it. In the past. nervousness has given me the energy I need, to perform at my best and feel good about myself. So let's do this!" Take a moment to write down your own limiting mind's reservations about approaching. Then write down corresponding freedom mind responses that empower you. Use the word you for the scripts of your limiting mind, and the words I and me in your freedom mind responses. This will help you disassociate from your limiting mind and associate more dosely with your freedom mind.
It's up to you to feed positive scripts into your freedom mind on a regular basis, to give it the power to overcome, persevere, and succeed. To do this, pick three freedom mind scripts or affirmations that you feel would best replace your specific fears, whether they're the ones you just wrote down. Write them on a single sheet of paper. Then read them out loud with conviction during your morning or evening freedom mind ritual, and run them through your mind over the course of the day. Once you start to feel the beneficial changes, switch to another set of affirmations according to your new needs.
Shift Your Submodalities
Submodalities are the media through which your senses receive, remember, and process information. For example: auditory submodalities include volume, pitch, tempo, and timbre. To help eliminate negative internal dialogue, try adjusting the submodalities of your limiting mind's voice. Make it quieter and further away: stammering and squeaky: or use the voice of a person you don't like. At the same time, give your freedom mind a strong, low-pitch., .1m, nearby voice. Consider making it the voice of someone you respect; a mentor, an actor, or your future best sell. If these exercises seem at first glance like New Age tripe, that's your limiting mind at work again. This process is exactly what trainers instruct top athletes to do to master their game. It's also one way that therapies, eliminate phobias. Visually, put your mental pictures and movies through the same filters. First, overpower the images of failure in your limiting mind with the successful images of your freedom mind. Change a picture of getting ignored to one of being adored; change a picture of being rejected into a bright, vivid visualization of a beautiful woman pressing her phone number into your palm. Now change the submodalities. Make the images in your limiting mind small, distant, black-and-white, slow-moving. blurry, and dark. Disassociate with these negative images by seeing them not through your own eyes but as if you're watching yourself as a character on a movie screen. Whenever your limiting mind images pop up, instantly replace them with large, bright, sharp, colourful pictures of successful situations. Associate with these images by seeing them through your own eyes. These mental exercises are best done just after waking up or before going to sleep, because that's when your subconscious is most open to change work. By repeating this exercise as often as possible, you'll get to the point where you automatically reject the negative images your limiting mind tries to throw at you before each approach.
Let Go of Your Outcome
One of the biggest problems men have with approaching women is magnifying the meaning of the interaction and focusing too intently on achieving one specific outcome-whether it be exchanging phone numbers, making out, having sex, or beginning a romantic relationship. Emotionally detaching from the outcome-while rationally working toward your goal-will significantly alleviate your anxiety. This is why the Stylelife Challenge offers small, easy-to-accomplish goals rather than large, unlikely ones. People can be random. unpredictable, chaotic creatures. And sometimes you may truly be surprised. That's why approaching is so much fun. So why constrain the possibilities of a new encounter by being dependent on a particular outcome.
Remove Failure from Your Vocabulary
The word failure has different meanings for different people. To most people. failure means approaching and being rejected. My definition of failure is quit-ting, giving up, or never approaching at all.
Rejection is another word that's been misused and misrepresented. The dictionary definition of reject is "to refuse to accept." So if you offer someone a stick of gum, and she says "No thanks," you've been rejected. Do you feel an emotional sting? Probably not. If you invite someone to a social event, and she says "No thanks." it shouldn't be any different. But For most people it is different, and here's why: When the gum is rejected, we think the person doesn't want the gum. But when we extend an invitation and get rejected, we think she doesn't want us. But how could she possibly have decided she doesn't want us? She's known at only for a short while. She's practically a complete stranger. She doesn't know how great we are, the way our friends and family do. Why do we value her opinion over theirs? Why do we attach to much emotional baggage to a virtual stranger's ill-formed opinion? You guessed it: the limiting mind.
Practice the Crash and Burn Strategy
If after reading this. you still have a crippling fear of social rejection, then go out and try to get rejected. Every accomplished social artist I know has a ton of rejections under his belt. That's simply the price you have to pay for excellence. To quote Michael Jordan, "I've missed more than nine thousand shots in my career. I've lost almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times. I've been trusted to take the game-winning that and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." After a few rejections, you'll see that it's not to bad, that rejection really has nothing to do with who you arc. It's more like somebody flicking you in the shoulder with a finger. You know it happened but it doesn't hurt you or really even bother you. It's actually just immature and embarrassing on their part. I took a student out once and tried to get at rejected to help him past his fears. But a funny thing happened: My plan backfired, and I wasn't rejected at all. The conversation went something like this:
ME- Hey, 1-low are you doing? Could you blow us out? We need to get blown out.
THEM: Huh? What's that?
ME: Oh, that's when a couple of guys roll up and you're in some mood, so you're totally rude and don't want to talk, and you tell the guys
THEM / Oh, were not rude, Not at all?
We ended up having a pleasant conversation for forty-five minutes, after which we exchanged contact information. The exercise was supposed to demonstrate that blow-ours are pain free, but it ended up teaching a different lesson: that you can open by saying almost anything when you're confident, congruent, and upbeat. Feel Free to prove it to yourself. Next time you see someone you want to talk to, open your mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind. As long as your comment or question isn't rude or hostile, you may be surprised by how difficult it is to get solidly rejected. After trying this a few times, you'll also notice that everyone's responses vary. Then you can adjust your attitude to expect nothing and prepare for everything. Or, as the poet Samuel Hazo puts it:
Expect everything, and anything seems nothing. Expect nothing, and anything seems everything.
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